Thursday, December 3, 2009

Movie Review: "The Twilight Saga: New Moon"


[Team Edward (James Olmos) - Hat tip to PMD.]

There are certain movies that I've just kind of accepted that I'm going to have to see if I want to have friends. These films generally have a few common threads: They all:

* Were beloved as soon as they appeared several years ago in a printed format.
* Generally have some sort of science fiction twist to them.
* Have Lots of characters.
* Feature flying and magic.
* Guarantee beaucoup sequels.
* Require large budgets.
* Are loooooooooong.

These include, but are not limited to the movie series of:

* X-Men
* Lord of the Rings
* Harry Potter

...and most recently...



I knew I would have to see the annoyingly titled "The Twilight Saga: New Moon" (like they couldn't have just called it "Twilight II: Get Yer Wallets Out" and then called it a day.) And the thing is that I didn't even mind the first movie in retrospect. At least it had atmosphere and a few memorable scenes. I complained about it initially, but given a choice I would have just watched it twice and just skipped the follow-up.
Whereas the initial film appeared to be at least trying to extend a hand to those who hadn't read the books the second installment in the sure-to-be four part series "New Moon" instead leaves this contingent on the side of road on the way to bank. I haven't read any of the original series and being a book lover I respect that apparently the movies stick almost annoying close to the source material. Despite all that I still was completely baffled by this movie.
What I did understand I was completely annoyed by. The plot, such as it is, has vampire lover Edward leaving Bella who falls for mostly-shirtless werewolf Jacob. There is never any question that Edward is coming back and that Bella is going to be with him forever one way or another. Jacob is never a serious candidate. Any tension created in the first movie of Edward and Bella staring silently at each other for what felt like hours was completely absent here. At least the main love interest was there to be stared AT.
At one point I fell asleep for what I estimate to be 10 to 15 minutes and I didn't get the sense that I would have understood anymore if I had stayed awake, which was very little. Teens moped. Every once in a while a werewolf would fight with a vampire or another werewolf or whatever for the affections of said mopey teen.
If the theater employees had lined up along the exits as the credits rolled they could have actually made the arm pump and the cash register noise as we exited. At least that would have been a bit more honest.

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